“Friends, family, fellow Club Penguin players. We are gathered here today to celebrate a life that was all too short. Yesterday we said goodbye to one of our most beloved childhood memories, that of the wonderful game known to all of us as “Club Penguin.” The world will long remember and celebrate the many cultural achievements that Club Penguin brought us as a country, as a community, and as a world. A world full of optimistic, wonderful people who had hope for the future until early January when the news was broken: Club Penguin didn't have much time left. We all coped with it differently, but we were all forced to accept this bleak new world, one so sadly without our greatest companion. Through the highs and the lows, Club Penguin was there for all of us. More than just a passing phase, it helped us cope with the struggles of an earthly life. Who knows what, if anything, will take its place. May Club Penguin rest in peace.”
Tearing up, the presenter was unable to make it through the somber eulogy at the funeral of Club Penguin held on Thursday just a day after its passing. But don’t let the grief distract you from the fact that Club Penguin’s premature death is undeniably evidence of the existence of Climate Change. If we don’t take steps to combat global warming, then Club Penguin died in vain.
Ice caps shrink. Sea levels rise. Club Penguin shuts down. It’s impossible to ignore the signs that are pointing towards one undeniable fact. Climate Change is real, and it’s affecting our world. Club Penguin relies mostly on ice or snow-based events and games to support a loyal population of players. These players’ avatars, known as “penguins” live in the Arctic, which is also made of ice. As global warming occurs, the ice shrinks and the snow melts. This is what caused Club Penguin to shut down. Early in January, administrators realized that there wouldn’t be enough ice left to support all of the game’s players. On March 29th, their sad prediction came true. As the game shut down, players simply fell into the freezing ocean behind the rapidly receding ice. Penguins, however, are terrific swimmers. Most of the avatars swam to a new but far less appealing location: Club Penguin Island. Those penguins loaded down with accessories, however, sank to the bottom of the ocean. In this ironic twist of fate, the last became the first. Players suffered heavy losses to their igloos, towns, and possessions. It was a sad day for all on the level of the BP Oil Spill.
Some of our readers may be unfamiliar with how global warming occurs. The process is simple; As heat is released, it gets hotter. This is because a localized increase in temperature eventually spreads out because of the properties of heat energy. By doing something as simple as taking a hot shower or even rubbing your hands together, you are contributing to global warming. If you eat hot food, you’re causing global warming. It’s really that simple. Club Penguin’s unfortunate and premature death has taught us that we can no longer get away with these things. So unless you want, nay, advocate for, a disaster on the scale of March 29, be advised to produce as little heat as possible. It is recommended that you get a skin transplant from a cold-blooded animal and move to a cold region such as Indonesia. If you are financially or otherwise unable to do so, it is your duty to minimize your production of heat in any way possible. If this means dying of exposure, it’s worth it. After all, you’ll eventually drown anyway from the rising sea levels. Penguin or human, Climate Change is gonna kill us all by 2050. Are you doing your part to delay the inevitable?